FOUR GENUINE REASONS WHY A-ROD TOOK STEROIDS

The folks over at landlinetv.com have come up with a hysterical article about four reasons (other than for cheating purposes) why A-Rod would have taken steroids. (For the full article, click on the link above)

Reason number one: A-Rod has Testicular Cancer (Likelihood: 30%).
I have to agree with the likelihood of this happening. I would even say it's less, more like .5% I think A-Roid would rather go out into the public and get people to feel sorry for him rather than hide it, although this is a creative excuse he could have used for his tv interview.

Reason number two: Pituitary Malfunction (Likelihood: 10%).
Again, I have to agree with the author on this one. He's not actually a five-year-old who looks like he's in his thirties. He's a 33-year-old who looks like he's in his thirties. And he's definitely not aging backwards like Brad Pitt did; then he probably should look 50, which he doesn't. I would say the likelihood is -10%.

Reason number three: Post-operative Transsexual Woman (Likelihood: 20%).
Now this one I think is going to be the most relevant. However instead of changing from a woman into a man, I think he's preparing himself to change from a man to a woman. I mean, why else would he spend so much time with Madonna if he didn't want to become like her? The likelihood would skyrocket to about 80% if a cone-shaped bra was found in his closet (I say 80% because there needs to be room for the possibility he's just a freak).

Reason number four: Male Oral Contraception (Likelihood: 40%).
This is a possibility. I mean he did want to divorce his wife that he had a kid with. Maybe he's anti kids. Maybe *gasp* he's not playing for the kids out there that think he's a baseball idol (if any kids still do) and he's just playing to earn megabucks and to give free lessons to Madonna.
As the anonymous author wrote: "Unless he uses his immense wealth to buy a time machine, I don't think Madonna is getting knocked up."

Unfortunately, at least for New York Yankee fans, A-Rod used the drugs solely for the purpose of cheating. He came out and told us all that it was because of the "pressure" to be great. I don't doubt this pressure in any way, I just think that the Commissioner of Baseball should figure out how to make steroids legal so that players can become super heroes (at least they think they are), or they need to start kicking out these steroid users and make strict rules about this. Either way, A-Roid might be looking for a new job.

Jaclyn Kahn

FIND ME A JOB IN BASEBALL

Perusing the baseball articles this evening, as a way to change up all of the football news and opinion, much of the baseball news is about signing new people to the team. Every baseball team in the MLB is trying to fill its roster with the best of the best so that they can go all the way next October. Or November if they elongate the season any more.

Anyway, that's not new news. Teams for every sport try to get their hands on the best of the best so that they can be the best. But what strikes me is how much these players are getting paid. If money was the only way to get to the World Series (as Steinbrenner believes it does) than all of these teams will definitely make it this year.

Take for example the recent acquirement of Nick Markakis to the Baltimore Orioles. He is getting 66.1 MILLION dollars (I feel like Dr. Evil from Austin Powers) as a right fielder for six years. Let us divide 66.1 million dollars by six and see his upcoming annual salary. Hmmm... well if we rounded so the numbers were nice, Markakis would be making roughly 11 million dollars every year for playing right field. The MLB might as well have baseball year round, otherwise he is getting a steal from the Orioles' bank account.

Now I realize that there are other players in baseball that make much more than this measly 66.1 million dollars. Take for example, A-Rod who had a 275 million dollar contract for ten years. The man isn't finding a cure for cancer here, or even doing much besides hitting on Madonna and giving her private lessons. Give me ten percent of that and I would be happy. I also know that baseball isn't the only sport that is paying its players more money than some small countries have in their bank accounts. I just like to complain at the fact that baseball players bore the heck out of its fans and they are getting paid an exorbitant amount.

Compared to the 66.1 million buckaroos, it would then seem like the veteran catcher, Brad Ausmus, is being gypped. Ausmus just signed a mere one million dollar contract to play for the Los Angeles Dodgers. Come on LA! You cant fork over 11 million dollars per year? How veteran is he?

The one that takes the cake for a "poor" deal is the one year, 750,000 dollar contract for Henry Blanco. He will now be the catcher for the Padres, and boy he must be crying at how #@$$^!@ his paycheck is going to be for that year. Maybe he should start hanging out with Madonna, or move to Baltimore.

In a time and place where people are worried about losing money in this downward spiraling economy, how can journalists write these stories? How can players accept this much amount of money for playing a game, and sometimes not all that well? The worst of all is when players refuse to play for a team because the salary is just too "low." I'm sorry, would you like 200 million dollars to play semi decently while people lose their jobs everyday? Go rule a country, at least the dictators are doing more work every year than these baseball players, or basketball players. Again, if these people found cures to diseases and created an environment where global warming would cease (If you don't believe in it, you're a rich republican! just kidding, I think...) then maybe I could see why maybe people should be earning that much. Maybe. Earning 750,000 dollars in baseball seems like it's a good deal, at least to me. Maybe these teams should cut their salaries and invest into the economy. But what do I know.

So, baseball teams will still fork over the millions of dollars to make sure their team is good. Maybe the Orioles will actually get a break this year. But probably not. Anyway, what do I know? I guess we should all learn a lesson from George Steinbrenner. I mean, the more you pump money into the team and its players, the more chances they will win the World Series at the end of the season, right? Right?

-The Jaxster